“Someday my pain, Someday my pain will mark you”-Bon Iver
This week I have been pondering toxic love, the relationships with of those who stay together in a unhealthy pattern of chaos. We all have these friends, parents or even been part of this couple ourselves. Loving someone else is hard, really fucking hard. It may start out as a blissful I don’t mind your quirks, your so funny, I can’t stop kissing you kind of love but then it will eventually fall into a few categories. The we are so comfortable and happy kind of love, the you annoy the hell out of me but I still love you kind, or the I love you so much that I will accept any kind of love you give me and this is the one I want to talk about today. Why do we sometimes stay with someone or force them to stay with us because “we” love them. I have often seen people, even some friends who are in these kind of unhealthy toxic relationships knowing the truth deep down. I know relationships are hard work and require constant effort, good communication and open and honest dialogues to grow together; but so often these needs are glossed over.
I too have thought this way in my past, loved someone so much that I just wanted them to stay, no matter the consequences; knowing deep down that it wasn’t in either of our best interest or that the other person was not in it 100%. Sometimes love is so fierce and powerful that it overtakes us. The need to be loved is so strong in all of us, we all want to be loved, accepted and wanted; but when this need overrides our truth and our best interest we have reached a critical point in our soul growth . I see people who stay with another because they have been “worn down” to stay, heard others comment on how its just easier to stay with someone than to deal with their crazy behavior when they break up. I am so baffled by this, that a person would rather live an unhappy half-life because its “easier”, yet so many people walk away from really amazing connections and relationships because they didn’t want to put the effort a truly great and loving relationship requires. Its so ironic to me, they are both cowardly excuses, but why do some people leave so easily while others stay even when its unhealthy.
This is a question that I have been really meditating on, is it the person, is it the relationship itself, the other person. What makes someone selfishly want someone to stay, because truly that is what it is selfish knowing that the other person really is not happy; instead of seeing the truth they allow themselves to be in a delusion state of acceptance. Why is it ok to accept this kind of love, what makes someone stay when they do not love the other anymore, just losing themselves within the chaos. I know that this is deeper than just this post, for it blends with my other one about self-worth and self love. If we knew our own power we would not need to rely on another to fill the voids. So it seems that maybe its two peoples low self worth that both wants and needs to stay in this type of an unhealthy behavior pattern. Its the dance of delusion, wanting to believe something so badly that we make ourselves see what we want instead of what is.
Love sometimes is more powerful than we give it credit for. I know there are so many reasons why people stay: loneliness, need, the kids, religion, but whatever it is I hope that they can find a way to be honest with their own heart. Toxic relationships do so much more damage when we stay. They hurt not just the two people in it but the kids or families or sometimes friends that are swirled into the storm. I am too trying to learn that leaving is sometimes love. That in itself is the powerful sentence here that culminates this post!! “Sometimes Leaving IS love”
Maybe I write all of these posts as my own healing and growth but just maybe they will find their way to people who need them. Like the scent of the first blossoms of spring, lingering in the air finding their way into your senses. Whatever the reason I will still keep writing, even if it is just for me…