Dating, truly it is such a shit show, its definitely not the good ole’ days where you go out and actually meet people in real life, instead its swipe left swipe right. In my twenties I had so many opportunities to meet people, in my college classes, through friends. Now at 40 the options are either POF, OK Cupid, or gag…Tinder. Over the years I have my own funny dating nightmare stories. So here it is world, WTF is wrong with dating, Some of my funny shitty stories for all of you out there to not feel so alone in the crapfest that is dating haha!!
So my first time online dating, I was in Grad School and tried E-Harmony for a month, big no huge mistake haha… you are not allowed to pick people or even see them until you have gone through all of these questions and emails then boom up pops a picture of a 400 lb guy, who lives at home with his mother, Not Cool, Noooot Cooool. My first and only date from this website was with a guy who had really good pictures, seemed like he had his shit together. As I was sitting in the restaurant waiting I looked up and in walks my own Seinfeld moment. This guy had little hands and I mean tiny like the guy with the baby hands in that damn Burger King Commercial. They were so small and delicate that I think I threw up in my mouth when he tried to reach for my hands, ugh.
While living in Guerneville I dated probably the only straight single guy in the entire town and he ended up being a hoarder, and when he came to pick me up I couldn’t even see out the back window of his car, and had to sit on half of the front seat (needless to say I used A LOT of hand sanitizer when I got home, A LOT) and his nails OMG I still am trying to figure out what was wrong with them, nutritional deficiency, half demon? EPIC FAIL.
Then I move to the beautiful bay area, and my dating life became rich with WTF’s. One guy showed up and he was not just short, but shorter than me and I am 5′ 2″, so his 5′ 7″ was a complete lie, but worse he was as wide as he was tall, can we say Myspace Angles!! He then proceeded to tell me how he was upset with his ex-wife who was taking his unemployed ass back to court so she did not have to pay him Palimony anymore (His Ex was a nurse, working her ass off and he claimed he was saving her so much money babysitting their child, um saying that your babysitting your own child means your an asshole). Also rule #1, don’t talk about how you are a sorry ass loafer on a first date, probably a sure sign that there will not be a date #2. I had to just get up, shake my head and walk away from that one.
Another date was with a guy with a tiny eye, maybe it was just lazy I don’t know but I just focused on the other one, (I know i’m an asshole). He seemed nice and had a great job at Amy’s Organic. I picked an Italian place by my house where the food turned out to be pretty terrible. When the check came he said since I picked it and it was terrible he thought it was only right I pay the tab, um are you shitting me, no he was not, Neeext. On to a super hot firefighter guy seemed like a huge plus plus until he showed up at the bar he picked to meet at, then said he didn’t drink could we go to Starbucks for coffee, sure not a problem let me close my tab. Then when we get to Starbucks he proceeds to read the paper while I sit at the table and ignore me for an entire half-hour, well that is where I had to just get up and walk away, what an absolute tool. It is times like this I want to just tell them if they wonder why they are still single, well…its because your an asshole. Then there was the guy who was actually kind of cute with lots of tattoos but then when our bill comes he says he forgot his debit card, so I had to pay for the dinner and drinks. This was not necessarily the worst part, that came when we were leaving and he asks if we can continue our date and go to a bar, um you have no money so your pretty much asking me to continue to pay for your night out, yeah that’s a negative.
The Worst though was probably the guy who showed up an hour late (I know I know, never again will I wait more than 15 minutes). He then asks me to drive him to a local spot (he had a buddy drop him off, again I know huge red flag). So I drive to my local Irish pub and we sit down at the end of the bar. Since this is a regular hang-out of mine I know the bartender and we are girls so we are chatty. I order a cider, he proceeds to order about 3 double jack and cokes to my cider and turns to me, puts his legs on my chair and says to me that he doesn’t think we are connecting. We seem too different but that he still thinks I’m hot so how about we hit up the hotel across the street and get naked. I think for once in my life I was speechless, mouth hanging open speechless. Um yeah, that’s not gonna happen, not in this lifetime or the next. He then gets up and moves to the middle of the bar to charge his phone, and starts playing angry birds, so the bartender starts talking to me about a fellow regular who had just past away. I try to include my absolute mess of a date and he turns and glares at me, saying “are you talking to me? Because it looks like you are talking to her, so are you talking to me?” then he throws his drink and gets up, says “fuck this shit” and walks out. Worst part is he leaves me with his tab, and I did not have enough money to cover all of his drinks. Needless to say, all the regulars laughed about that complete mess of a date for quite some time.
Now on to the shitty act of being ghosted, I mean come on to me this is just plain ole fucked-up people who have no idea of closure. I was reading an article about it and I loved what it sais about people who Ghost their Exes: “A person who has a pattern of in-completions in their connections with other people accumulates emotional baggage, maybe even shame, and a loss of self-respect over time…when we treat others without kindness or respect, it takes a toll on our sense of self. The notion of karma or the saying, “what goes around, comes around,” sort of captures this idea (http://www.cheatsheet.com/author/sheiresa-ngo/). Yeah I would like to add to this, guess what…your a fucking asshole if you do this!! Grow some big balls and quite being a whiny coward and at least say “Hey I’m not feeling this so yeah bye”. But talking to a person, dating and then just playing the disappearing act, ignoring calls, texts and emails because you are a shit is a sad excuse for closure.
Dating is nothing like it ever was before, we now have a million single people to swipe through, post our best pictures and become someone we are not. People can catfish, lie about their age and height (cough cough…Men) or their age and weight (cough…Women). Back in the day we had to have guts to go up to a person and say hi, now we can hide behind a computer and so rejection is less personal. This allows for people to think beyond their actual dating potentials and we have become a society of singles living in text message, online catfish relationships. Which really is so much better than actual human contact right where gasp, we can get hurt, our hearts broken. This bubble of self preservation is just crap, fearful people making excuses for everything and becoming picky picky picky, searching for flaws instead of the beauty of another. We are all different and though we may love somebodies picture or profile its ultimately the chemistry that will decide if it will get beyond a first date. This I think is what makes people draw out meeting and instead of dates we get texts, not even phone calls anymore. One guy here in Portland who loved sending me pictures of himself, like everyday. It was quite annoying and pathetic to me, almost like he was just searching for some kind of validation or compliments, never following through on meeting. I had to quickly tell him that I was not here to be his personal motivator coach so I will have to start charging for my compliment services if he wanted to continue, never got another text haha…
This is why the show Catfish has become so popular, and truly heartbreaking. People are afraid to be who they truly are, themselves. Most of the time its people just seeking a connection, one they think is real but they are just deceiving themselves as much as the other person. I wish I had the answers to this dilemma but I think that this is our dating reality at this time. I can only wish and hope that more people take risks and just be themselves, to go out and meet people in person, to not hide behind a computer and become real people again. To let go of the notions of delusion we are living in, am online relationship where you have never met the person is NOT REAL, Red Flags people!! Red Flags!! If he says he is a model, astronaut and is just stuck in another country because he lost his passport could you please send him $5,000 in a cereal box to help him, yeah you should totally do that, pronto. So go hither my fellow daters, and follow your instincts less you end up on the Dark Side…(enter twilight zone music)….