Healing in the holidays…

 

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Letting go has always been one of the hardest life lessons for me. I hold onto my grief, my heartbreak, my childhood, and I pull it close to me, wrap it around me and lose myself in the dark recess of my memories. It is heavy these burdens of pain, wounds so deep that I cannot dig them out. I think grieving is such a personal burden, it is such a hypocrite, alienating us yet at the same time yearning for comfort and healing. I try to remember, to think about the moments but I cannot, I find myself afraid, fearing that if I think about this loss I will fall down that rabbit hole and never get out this time. I am afraid that by losing the one person who I could define myself by, that I will cease to be me, my fathers daughter. It was complicated this relationship, but I think most are between father and daughter. Mine was brilliant, impatient and the one person who I felt understood who I was; even if he never told me this.  I never thought that pain could be like this, so cutting, so deep. This is one of the hardest post for me to write, but ultimately one of the most healing.

My relationship with my father was not perfect, it was not warm and fuzzy for he was busy and impatient with me often but it never mattered to me. I wanted so badly for him to be proud of me, to love me. I wanted him to think I was a special part of him, a Mathison true to the core. I think he did, my cousin told me he did at his funeral, but it seems these are the times that people utter those phrases, “he loved you” he was so proud of you” “he is in a better place”, maybe they are true, maybe they were just words but I will choose to think they were the former; that in his own way he was proud of me and that he saw so much of himself in me.  I am angry, I am hurting, I am sad and I try to talk to my mom, I miss her, I love her in my own hauntingly beautiful yet painful way. I try to forgive, to let go and parts of me are unable, I don’t understand why I hold onto it. I am tired of trying for validation, understanding, forcing something that needs to be let go. I don’t want to get angry, or frustrated but Its like I am trapped inside my own self. I see myself doing these, I tell myself to let it go but I am stubborn, and ignore even my own self, I am my own undoing.

I will try to fix my relationship with my mom, she is all I have left, along with a scruffy puppy who I adore and a little wee kitty who drives me crazy. Christmas is full of miracles, they say it is a magical time when dreams come true, wishes are granted and the impossible is possible. I am hoping that this year will end with healing, and that love with prevail above all else. I have always held onto my hope, even when I was hopeless and I am digging deep to find every ounce I have and bring it to the surface to shine…for magic is in the air…

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One thought on “Healing in the holidays…

  1. Erica says:

    That was a moving post Julie. We all want our fathers love so much. We all want him to think of us as SPECIAL. Because as daughters we are….we are precious to fathers especially. I have a feeling your father did the best he could with what he had…..with the kind of temperament he had and all of that, but I feel that he truly admired you….he saw himself in you and loved that. Trust me on this. MOst men do not speak their feelings and you had a dad that was quite the alpha Aries male and he wasn’t going to be doing that. So I feel that he loved you and not only that but the word admire came into my mind and its just there. That’s what I am getting. I know its hard to lose a parent. I still look for my mothers validation sometimes because I feel that I always had to live up to her expectations and standards….and I still look for that, but the thing is my dear….now that your dad is gone and my mother is gone….what they want for us is to live our lives the way we want and all our dreams coming true. That’s what they really want. They want us to move past our fears……they know more now that they have passed on. They see the really super big picture I am sure now. Its hard to let go. I have struggled with that quite a lot in my life too. What I learned in Al Anon was— when it gets too hurtful and painful to hang on, we will let go. And I believe Christmas is a time of hope as well. Never ever lose that hope and faith! I love you and thanks for sharing your feelings here.

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