Love, What the F@#$ is it…

 

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Love, such a simple four letter word, yet it has plagued us crazy humans for thousands of years. Poems, stories, sonnets, songs all written in the name of love. There have been countless books, essays, thesis’s all trying to convey what love is, what it means, where it lives. Is it an emotion, a feeling, a chemical imbalance or just a word. All of us have loved something in our meager lives, a pet, our family, our friends but what about the love that takes over our entire being, the one that makes us quake in our shoes, put stars in our eyes and changes our entire universe. I mean its crazy how much we can feel for another right?? crazy and scary, crazy and exhilarating and sometimes just crazy. Love can be unrequited love and that in itself is pain and heartbreak, but mostly love starts out with two people who want each other filled with a bit of lust, amazing love in the beginning, then comfortable let me shave your back kind of love and then it can grow and evolve with each person changing together as a couple or it can become the obsessive crazy I can’t live without you love, and worst of all it can become the I don’t love you anymore, I’ve fallen out of love with you, I lost love for you kind of love. I have always wondered how do you fall out of love, is it like falling out of a tree where you just bump your head and then walk out the door to a new life or is it a slow tumble down a hill that loses momentum bit by bit. I think its probably different for everybody, some can just cut out and be done while others like myself hold on, sleep with it, hope with it and sometimes let us define us. Mostly I think it’s a lot of bullshit, made up of cliches that people say about the meaning of love, what it is and how we are supposed to feel about it.

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I am an emotional sap like many, also a complete asshole and sometimes the kindest most generous person you’ll meet and I dislike so many of the cliche explanations I read about what love is. Love is blind, bullshit it totally is not, Love sees all and sometimes it starts with a really hot guy or gal. I mean come on, lets be honest it has a chemical hormonal component and there has to be some kind of physical attraction there, (ok sometimes it can be blind if your Mother Teresa and helping orphan kittens or something). Love means never having to say your sorry, umm screw that it absolutely means that you should be able to put your ego away and say your fucking sorry for being an asshole!! Love is unconditional, mostly this is true for the love we get from our pets and our parents but in a relationship most of it comes with conditions, such as respect, kindness, honestly, loyalty,  faithfulness,  attraction, chemistry, for we expect that if we give our love to another we will be treated with all of the above and if we are not then sometimes our love is conditional on these, out of love for ourselves. Loving someone means you want to see them happy, even if its not with you, oh no that one is total crap, I want the person I love or loved to be happy, mostly haha, but not with someone else, at least not in the beginning of a break-up, as I want him to be happy with me. I think most people feel this way, and then feel guilty when others tell this line of bullshit, when they are still angry or hurt at the person who just stomped on their heart. This of course depends on the situation, if its a bad one then please be happy the fool is with someone else and not you, but its painful to watch your ex move on, and its not a pleasant feeling to see them with another person, unless that person is you know the downgrade haha then by all means feel happy deep deep inside haha…

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Its been 6 months of grieving for me and I have heard it many times to get over it, move on, let go, not worth it, his loss, he is a loser, emotionally unavailable, blah blah and you know what fuck all of that. I will grieve my time and I will do it on my terms, not any books, or other peoples idea of moving on. Losing love is grieving, and I will be honest early on I was confused at who I was shedding my tears for, who my heart was more broken over. The loss of my boyfriend moving back to CA or the death of my father. I felt like an asshole and a terrible daughter that I prayed more times for him to come back than for my father to be alive. But I think that is what love can do to you, it can fumble up your heart, make you do crazy things. It allows you to lie to yourself sometimes, but ultimately the universe will swoop in to remind us of what is to come is so much sweeter than we ever expected.

I always say there is a fine line between sanity and insanity when it comes to love and war, and it is the truth. If you try to tell me you’ve never driven by your exes house or work, facebook stalked them, called and then hung up on them (ok this is prob only for those in the 80’s and 90’s haha), driven by their hangouts, asked about them then you are a liar. So I guess love is different for everybody, to some its a feeling they carry in their heart, others maybe its a bitter chip on their shoulder fuck you its just a word, and others might say well scientifically its blah blah. So I guess who cares what it is really as long it helps us to grow, helps us to want to become better people by loving someone, even if they leave and stomp on our itty bitty hearts. Well that is my pre-holiday blog rant on love haha…Enjoy and Happy Fucking Christmas!! 😉

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Healing in the holidays…

 

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Letting go has always been one of the hardest life lessons for me. I hold onto my grief, my heartbreak, my childhood, and I pull it close to me, wrap it around me and lose myself in the dark recess of my memories. It is heavy these burdens of pain, wounds so deep that I cannot dig them out. I think grieving is such a personal burden, it is such a hypocrite, alienating us yet at the same time yearning for comfort and healing. I try to remember, to think about the moments but I cannot, I find myself afraid, fearing that if I think about this loss I will fall down that rabbit hole and never get out this time. I am afraid that by losing the one person who I could define myself by, that I will cease to be me, my fathers daughter. It was complicated this relationship, but I think most are between father and daughter. Mine was brilliant, impatient and the one person who I felt understood who I was; even if he never told me this.  I never thought that pain could be like this, so cutting, so deep. This is one of the hardest post for me to write, but ultimately one of the most healing.

My relationship with my father was not perfect, it was not warm and fuzzy for he was busy and impatient with me often but it never mattered to me. I wanted so badly for him to be proud of me, to love me. I wanted him to think I was a special part of him, a Mathison true to the core. I think he did, my cousin told me he did at his funeral, but it seems these are the times that people utter those phrases, “he loved you” he was so proud of you” “he is in a better place”, maybe they are true, maybe they were just words but I will choose to think they were the former; that in his own way he was proud of me and that he saw so much of himself in me.  I am angry, I am hurting, I am sad and I try to talk to my mom, I miss her, I love her in my own hauntingly beautiful yet painful way. I try to forgive, to let go and parts of me are unable, I don’t understand why I hold onto it. I am tired of trying for validation, understanding, forcing something that needs to be let go. I don’t want to get angry, or frustrated but Its like I am trapped inside my own self. I see myself doing these, I tell myself to let it go but I am stubborn, and ignore even my own self, I am my own undoing.

I will try to fix my relationship with my mom, she is all I have left, along with a scruffy puppy who I adore and a little wee kitty who drives me crazy. Christmas is full of miracles, they say it is a magical time when dreams come true, wishes are granted and the impossible is possible. I am hoping that this year will end with healing, and that love with prevail above all else. I have always held onto my hope, even when I was hopeless and I am digging deep to find every ounce I have and bring it to the surface to shine…for magic is in the air…

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