The girl I used to be…


I couldn’t breathe and woke up startled, I sat up and came face to face with…The girl I used to be. She looks like me, I reach out, she feels like me, smells like me, but she is laughing, she is happy for she was the girl I used to be. She pulls me up telling me to get up get dressed there is so much to see and do. But I just pull the covers over my head and tell her to go away, say that I am not that girl anymore. She is the girl I used to be though so she is loud, funny and coaxes me to get out of bed. She tells me we can do anything we want, explore, go to the beach, wine tasting, antique shopping. The girl I used to be is friendly, outgoing and loves to meet people, lives and breathes laughter. I am sad I tell her, I don’t know how to laugh anymore. I don’t know who she is anymore, I tell her she is a stranger to me. She explains to me, this girl I used to be, that my friends miss me, they want to hear my quirky stories, to bring my useless facts, and to hear my boisterous laughter over the crowd; they want the girl I used to be, but I say, I am the girl I am now. Grief, broken hearts they change you I scream, I am not you anymore. She follows me into the shower and sits on the toilet as I try to ignore her mindless chatter.  She is unrelenting, the girl I used to be, following me, chattering on about all of the things I am missing out on. The world, fall is in full bloom, good wine, good beer, new friends, old friends, new love, infatuation, listening to the ocean, playing Frisbee with my dog, and most important laughter. I try to ignore her, drink my coffee and read my magazines in peace but alas she is the girl I used to be so she just sits on the couch sighing with her arms crossed and pouts. She wins, this girl I used to be, and I try to make a deal with her, bargain my day, my time. I get up and get dressed and think about the girl I am now. I am empathetic, compassionate, I spend more time internally than externally, I watch, I feel, I listen, I compromise, I leave dirty dishes in the sink, I forget to vacuum, to dust, and I write. I look for her, this girl I used to be, I go from room to room, looking, perplexed when I find her as I reach out, startled as my hand hits the glass…



2 thoughts on “The girl I used to be…

  1. Erica says:

    This was powerful and I teared up reading it I think this may be my favorite post. Its very real yet has a sense of poetry to it too. I can relate to this, I was going through this a few times in life and not being ME. Also at the same time, its a dark transformation period to where you are still going to be YOU in the end but right there’s something else taking place were you are integrating the original make and model Julie with some new traits, good ones. Not all is lost. It might be just something you have to go through, this dark night of the soul to become who you are supposed to be. This WILL end. But that is also up to you… long it goes on for. It’s all a process. I love you and I miss your boisterous loud laugh! I just remember we sound the same when we laugh !!

  2. Erica says:

    I want to add you are also stripping away all that is no longer serving you……..that is what I am going through as well just with different incidences that have happened lately I am seeing my dark side (aka shadow side). But its about learning to embrace that darkness and be ok with it, then it dissapates. We are not perfect beings.

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