The faces we hide behind….


I hide in a face of me, my mask that I chose so carefully, as I cover myself with armor, this shield of sadness. It has such power, invisible yet with the ability to surround me in loneliness. Depression is made up of many faces, those of us who have the group jacket can attest to all of the ones we hide behind. Breaking free from the chains that bind us, in the strength to get up and go on, one day at a time. Medication, meditation, praying, begging, yoga, walking, therapy, mantras, screaming on the inside, feels like its all in vain. The phoenix rises from the ashes of nothing, rebirth and regeneration from the depths of sorrow.

I carry around within my sadness a vanity, gained in my youth, the start of my quest for perfection. The perfect child, daughter, student, friend, girlfriend so I never left the house without my hair and makeup done, looking perfectly put together, with my mask on tight. Thoughts that this is enough to hide behind, to blend into life; but when you carry around a deep sadness, it radiates even if your hiding it behind that perfect mask. I have seen the physical way people move around or shy away from me like they can feel my sadness reaching out to touch them.  It is like trying to swim in quicksand, the more you try the harder you sink. I am trying to realize that it was inevitable that we would be free from the binding of love between us, and that letting go will not break me. I have been sleepwalking through life, and I know that it is time to wake up.

“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition”…what do you recognize in the mirror of your love…

One thought on “The faces we hide behind….

  1. Erica says:

    This one I can relate to as well. That mask. I’ve worn it and I still wear it. Not as much…not NEARLY as much as when I was younger. We all do it. It’s protection from vulnerability. And you know how I can be about that:) That damn armor. It’s coming off one bit at a time….as I get in touch with who I am more and more and start accepting all the parts, dark and light. I can see you are VERY AWARE now my friend. Happy for you:)

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