The feeling encompassing me, its empty and numb. I try not to name it, afraid that if I do I will feed it the power it needs. It lies dormant while I grieve, I am mourning the death of love, the death of my father and the death of who I was, for I will never be the same again. That person is no more, that person does not exist and can never be found. How do we fall, become someone we don’t recognize when we look in the mirror. Living in fear, with anxiety and depression, who is this person. I was always able to look within and find strength in my struggles, I have lost this ability. I feel like I am trapped in this person, screaming to get out, banging inside my head that I’m here, I’m still here. But on the outside I am unable and afraid to feel. Depression is a wiley ole’ fellow, sneaking back up on you after you threw out your antidepressants, just days before your dad dies, because they made you gain weight. You felt ok, then Bam… your old friend is back with a vengeance, stroking your head while you cry in your dads pajamas unable to get out of bed for four days.
Its like everything has changed, but nothing has changed, as if I am quiet and calm while screaming on the inside. I don’t sleep, only for short periods, I feel haunted. I feel anxious, I feel tired, I feel sad, I feel fear, I feel confusion, I feel too much, but I feel nothing. I have been slowly trying to open all of the locked doors in my heart, in my head, to let out all of the caged memories. Its scary, looking at ourselves with open honest eyes, as we may not always like what we find. facing our fears, our own shortcomings. I sometimes wonder if our memories are our own karma haunting us. The feelings that some memories evoke are so real; you can smell them, taste them, and almost touch them. I don’t want to be a part of anything anymore, I don’t want to call my old friends, I don’t want to be a part of a family structure anymore. I want to be alone to feel nothing, not answering the questions, no explanations, just emptiness from the issues that arise from caring.
What happened to love, to romance, to the fierce fire that burns in all of us. “If this is love I don’t want anything to do with it…oh why does it hurt so much”….”ah, because it was real”.