I pull on my fathers pajamas, the ones I took from his drawer. the catholic cross that he wore when he was a boy I pull over my head, tuck it gently into my heart and I write. The breeze is soft and cool, floating through the open window carrying the chattering of birds. I can hear the squirrels eating the walnuts, and I smell the rain on its way. I miss him, My dad, I miss so much, I miss my heart and I mourn the life I thought I would have, the love that doesn’t exist anymore. I mourn the words I never got to say, like ashes, I blow away into the wind, to become a part of everything.
I don’t want to go back, yet I don’t know how to ever say goodbye. Letting go, release, have always been the toughest lessons for me, ones I have yet to master. I am always haunted by the hopes of the past. This year I think is the year of learning to let those go, of moving on to a new chapter. Within all of us hides pain but learning to face this pain, our past, our fears is the beginning of learning to live without regret. I love this quote it rings so true to me…”sometimes people say you should do the right thing, but sometimes there is no right thing, and you just have to pick the sin your willing to live with”…My sin, the one I carry with me is in loving, you, still….My heart tries to heal, from so much and its a daily struggle but one I think i’m winning. Love is magical like that, there always seem to be an abundance of it, and giving it never stops the flow, it only adds to it.
I have learned to give up control, little by little. Slowly, I laugh, and I leave dirty dishes in the sink, and now forgo vacuuming to instead throw the Frisbee outside for my dog. I eat my leftovers, walk on the squishy grass without shoes, and I don’t argue my point anymore; if someone is to see it, they will do so on their own. I am learning, to let go of my childhood, to love others for who they are, not pushing them to be who I see in them. Control is about fear, about loss of control. In my childhood I had none, so I developed my own. They are heavy, these controls and I don’t want to carry them anymore, so I am taking them and throwing them into the abyss.
“You have wounds that have never healed, you have lived with them so far you don’t even know they are there anymore, Pain has deep roots. The only way to dig it out is through forgiveness”