Love and all that Jazz…



A part of me wanted to start this post as a way to be angry and feel sorry for myself for all of the ways my heart has been broken. But a little breeze fluttered by bringing with it a cosmic nudge that whispered in my ear, “ now would that really be beneficial, would your lessons be apparent that way” well universe, first off F-you, second F-you for being right.  So I will instead write about where I made mistakes, about my shortcomings, fuck-ups, screw-ups, where I hurt others, and so in turn hurt my relationships.

Nobody is perfect, though such a perfect statement, such irony; but I will say I have always been honest about my shortcomings, my lessons. I am very aware and perceptive about what I need to work on, where my weak spots are, but that does not necessarily mean that I always face them or that I don’t push others in the forefront to hide mine. I am human and stubborn and many times I screamed that it wasn’t my fault, there were times I didn’t listen, that I didn’t fight fair that I fought to win, that I just wanted to be heard and thus didn’t listen, didn’t learn. I am guilty of all of these things, of saying hurtful things when I was angry, of walking away instead of listening, but I never stopped trying. I never stopped loving, I never quit!! I can honestly say I have never given up on love; I have had two loves in my life, C and D (and I am not lost on the fact that they are in alphabetical order, I mean I am organized so it makes sense), and I gave both of them my all, complete trust and vulnerability.

My first adult love relationship was C, I was 21 and it was Halloween 1996 at the Glendora Lounge. I was out with my friend Andrea, dressed as a sexy nurse since those were the good ole 20 year old days. I will never forget how I walked up to him, gave him my number and asked him to call me sometime. I was so nervous, hands shaking, he was so handsome, and I thought so out of my league. But he just smiled up at me with such a radiant smile and said absolutely. He was beautiful this boy I would love, who I would lose myself so completely in that it would take me 4 years to get back up, gain my strength and be me again.  We had so many fun times but we were young and young love never seems to have that lasting stick, it seems to be all about heartbreak and lessons. I married this one though, because I wanted it to be forever and I was 23 so to me that word, forever, was obtainable.  At 40, I wonder if there is such a thing, forever love.  We were young, passionate, and stubborn and though we loved each other, love it seems is never enough. He cheated, and I was broken, and our story ended. There was of course so much more in the middle of that, crazy fights, lots of tears, emotional roller coaster rides of them but that is another story that I am not yet ready to tell all of.

My second go round with love was 13 years later, it was 2013 and at my friend’s wedding. I danced with D, he was the younger brother of the groom and I knew he was young but honestly I never realized how young until it was too late. I was already so deep, drowning in this one. Love is so relative, its different for everybody and though I loved my ex-husband it was such a young type of obsessive love. This one was different, it felt different, smelled different, it was an all encompassing type of love. It turned out to truly be the hardest love lesson, for I loved him, so completely and fiercely. I loved this one with fire in my veins, and stars in my eyes. I tried so hard to do everything right with him.  I had closed myself off for so long from love that when D came around he hit me with such a force that I was knocked off balance, and before I knew it I was love drunk. I miss him, the ache in my chest is still sometimes physical, though it comes less frequently now. With D there was such a karmic connection and understanding so when he left, all three times, I forgave him instantly, for I was him 20 years ago. I have such a deep empathy to him and I could never hate him, he did what he had to do for him. I was angry, and hurt, and I am still both of these things for he broke my heart so completely. Even though I still wish I could have closure, and that the ghost of him would leave my dreams, I will never hate this man. I will forever be unable to say a negative thing about him, for him I will love in a hidden piece of me forever.

This post will be my first official step, of release. There have been many tears shed for this loss, but I still feel so empty in my chest, like I am missing a piece of me that I will never get back. This heartbreak was so different, with C I was so angry, I felt I was owed so much. With D, it is just utter sadness, a loss so hard to bear that it was the first time I have literally been brought to my knees with grief from love. Death of my father did this too but in a different fashion, a different dimension of loss. I am having to learn how to fill the empty parts with other loves, of friends, my dog, and just breathing in love from the universe. When C cheated and I left I felt lost and broken but I was young and had so much still to learn and look forward too. With D I feel like I am shattered, unrepairable, that this was it for me, and I am afraid; afraid I will close myself off, board up my heart this time for good, that I will quit living.

There is a also a freedom when it comes to loss, reaching the bottom. You feel you have nothing left to lose, so you become reckless, free in a dark sense. This freedom I am embracing, along with anger my other friend. We this trio, are ready to jump, to fall, we are giving up in the truest sense our fear. For I have nothing left to fear, and nothing left to give, but I am trying. I am bit by bit, piece by piece, digging myself out. I have found small happiness in the laughter with new friends and co-workers, The antics of my Sage puppy,  I think I just cracked a smile, well maybe more of a smirk, and it could be just gas but hey its a start…

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