I have a story inside of me, all of us do, and it unfolds day by day, piece by piece until that moment we realize we can finally tell it. Some of them are happy, some sad, some angry, and most all of the above. Today my story is about anger, why I have embraced it, and danced with it, and how it has become my fearless partner. Anger allows me to yell and scream, to listen to Pantera and Metallica and just be angry. Playing in my mind is the scene from the movie Legend where Lily is being wooed by darkness, and she is dancing with the dark dress and swaying until the next moment she has merged with her dark partner; as if she has become the dark part of herself, clothed in darkness, surrounded by it, loved by it. Darkness is not always evil, without darkness there can be no light. White is the absence of color, where black is the absorbence of all colors, so in essence darkness is when we have absorbed too much; absorbed all that the world has given us at once and we cannot reflect anything back, instead it has been absorbed within us to become the dark part of ourselves.
Anger is the best friend that keeps you out late, the friend who lets you pull out flowers, kick trash cans, act like as ass and still have your back. Anger is sometimes the fuel that allows us to get up every day and go on, because when we are angry we are not a sobbing, worthless mess. My anger is my best friend at times, and others my worst enemy, but I think that this is true for most people. Working through the steps of anything, grief, addiction, heart break, they all have steps that require us to get angry. To be able and OK with feeling this, allowing it to be beneficial and be a part of our growth factor. That is the choice that we ultimately have.
You see it doesn’t mater how smart, beautiful, or funny we are for we area all trapped inside that box in our heads where we go to hide, to grieve, mourn and scream at our regrets, our fear, our brokenness. We all have that space we hide in, escape to, board our past up in. Some of us stay there, and fall deeper into the abyss. while others crawl out inch by inch. I don’t know what is the defining factor between these two, but strength must be one. A favorite quote of mine is from Jacob’s Ladder, it is one of my favorite movies and I cry every time the part where Louie the chiropractor is fixing Jacob. quoting Eckhart Louie tells Jacob “The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that wont let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they’re not punishing you”, he said “they’re freeing your soul. So if your frightened, of dying and…you’re holding on, you’ll see devils tearing your life away. But if you’ve made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth”. This quote means so much more to me as I read it now. I feel so haunted, by ghosts of the past, seeing my life full of devils pulling me apart. Maybe it really is just the universe telling me that I have to let this go. Letting go, release, forgiveness, loving myself, are all also part of my story, all journeys that I have yet to master. I have to move on and realize that in trying to free my soul maybe I am not being torn apart but being freed. We can be afraid and allow our fears to stop us from living, loving, and experiencing life or we can be sad, angry, hurt, grief stricken and deal with these feeling and grow within ourselves. This song is dedicated to those who run from life….”Can you fight the urge to run for another day? You might make it further if you learn to stay”… sometimes the lessons are in the pain, sometimes they are learned by those who stay….