The Death of Self

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The death of me… I feel like I am mourning my life, my past, who I was, it is emotional, this death of self. I wonder how long I will be punished, for my hurt, my pain, my choices. Sometimes I feel the universe pulled the carpet out from under my feet, forcing me to fall. Depression, anxiety, the twins that everybody is afraid to speak of, and the things these two make us do. They are like the bad friends you had in high school who pushed you to smoke, ditch class. These two, they push you to see yourself in their light. Your worthless, you should give up, your a loser and that is why you do not deserve to be loved. Like vampires they feed bit by bit, taking over. Your depth of emotions become theirs and so softly, so lovingly they help you fall. People squirm, look away when mental health is brought up, unless they too are part of this fucked up club. Honesty too is the fucked up lie that we so often hide behind, but the truth is that depression is not being afraid of death, it is the fear of living. Of facing ourselves, our truth, so we give in to this dance with our two best friends and we believe what they are telling us. The loss of hope, the feeling that there is just nothing left to look forward to is heart wrenching. Having to get up everyday wondering… it will just be the same as yesterday and the day before, and the day after. I chopped my hair, I bought angry music, I cry in the shower everyday, I am afraid of never being loved, really deeply, the kind of love that never leaves those are my truths. What are yours….

There is a quote that I love about love, “it is a risk to love… what if it doesn’t work out…ahh but what if it does” being vulnerable sucks, sucks big time, it’s scary and shitty, but being vulnerable opens us up wholeheartedly to be able to absorb, to learn, to experience and in essence to change a little bit of ourselves, it’s growth pure and simple. It’s sad that we have to experience such pain and heartbreak in our lives but without it we maybe we would not cherish the beautiful moments that touch us to the soul, or to be able to connect and empathize with others. Maybe it’s all part of the master plan after all…eh

One thought on “The Death of Self

  1. Erica says:

    Wow. Gut wrenching. Honest. I really relate to the vulnerability part. It SUCKS. Every time I am vulnerable it seems I get my heart stomped on or I am abandoned. It’s hard to keep believing and having faith. But what else can we do? Never have that love we are so deserving of? We have to grow as people. In transforming ourselves, and our perceptions and changing some of the OLD patterns and beliefs…..we will find that love. I know that is true for me. If the inside doesn’t change, the outside of your life surely doesn’t.

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