The collective and universal energy that is within all of us is what connects us. The world is ever-changing, evolving and we need to participate in this evolution if we want to continue our soul growth. When we feel connected to something we make an effort to be a part of that which we are a piece. Forgiveness is a part of this collective consciousness and has been on my mind lately, forgiveness of others, of myself. This is not a post of loss, though in order to understand the healing and lessons we have to understand the hurt and pain that brought them. So it may seem to start off with loss but it will end with hope…so it begins…the journey…
I look back at where I was a year ago and even where it all started a year and a half ago. I remember starting 2015 off with such hope, filled with endless possibilities. I had a complicated relationship with my father but I still had a father, a car I loved, a new job, a new city, a best friend, a boyfriend who loved to hold my hand. I had a grey fur baby with fur so soft I never got enough of smooshing my face into it as I woke up. All good things come to an end, for we cannot hold onto forever…then I see myself curled in the shower broken with loss, for where there was hope was now empty. I no longer had a father, a boyfriend, a car, my friend of 20 years or that soft grey fur to cry into. I can smell the soap, and feel the coldness of the tiles on my face, the memory is so vivid. That shower became a place of tears and screams and so symbolically I cleansed my soul as I washed my hair. I sang the same songs over and over, pathetically holding on to what was no longer mine. I was sick….with loss.
Then 2016, now this year I started with hopes of healing, it had to better, it just had to be, and by some accounts it was; but it was also an extension of the loss and lessons of 2015. I had gained a new car through the loss of my father and though I lost some friends I gained a few amazing ones. I still had one parent but then my mother had a stroke, and then radiation and that fear it brought to the surface of losing another parent forced me to make peace with so many issues that had lived within my heart with her. I had to find peace in order to survive.
So the realization came that in order for me to find that true internal peace, to find my center, my truth I had to really delve deep and come face to face with lots of shitty deeply hidden trauma, pains, heartbreaks, loss, and parts of myself that I needed to face and work on. Control we learn is based on fear and well let’s say this about me…I had a shit ton of fear… so I tried to control lots and lots of things, circumstances, people, myself, my surroundings, you get the point. That does not make for super healthy relationships, or healthy anything but it can alienate. So I went to therapy, I meditated on it, I wrote about it and I started to heal it.
I learned that through loss we can become more open, maybe it is because we have empty pieces of ourselves we are trying to fill or maybe its because we are at such a point that we feel we have nothing left to lose and so we search for an answer, any answer for the loss to make sense. Whatever the reason I think that often we become more open to being connected to the whole, the need to feel connected to something, what some call the soul consciousness, god, the goddess, but what I call the universal energy.
I have gained so much, amazing people, self-acceptance, self-love, forgiveness, and so much acceptance and love from the universe that it inspired me to want to do for others this same thing. I realized that what had seemed so important to me last year just did not taste the same, or seem as relevant, the meanings were lost or changed. My degree’s, my job, material things these are just things and we cannot take them with us when we leave this existence. What we need is to find those things that make our hearts soar, the love and passion that make our knees weak, the things we love the most we should put our energy into and not the negative or the things we fear. For as that old saying goes what we feed is what will grow. I am hopeful that at this time next year my life will be so different, and I am embracing change instead of running from it. I am looking at the loss of my job as an opening for a new adventure. Human connection, spiritual connection, we all need this so that we can heal as a collective, grow as a collective and love as a collective. This is just the beginning…Join me on this quest, leave me comments and let us connect so that we may learn, grow, and heal together. Let us all figure out a way to feed the beast of love and starve the beast of hate, anger, and deception. Love and Light….